2 June 2008


A mega contest that Lalu botched before it set off 

This is the story of one of the rare contests, nay I would like to call it the mother of all contests, in the history of India. Interestingly, it is alleged that sensing the inevitable, miserable and humiliating failure in the contest, the contestant has made up his mind to withdraw from the contest before the formal invitation and announcement of the contest. Nevertheless, I do not believe it.

After Lalu Prasad Yadav ‘won’ rupees one crore in Shahrukh Khan hosted pre-arranged Panchvi Pass show, a Non Governmental Organisation (NGO) in Mumbai headed by Sasidharan Nair planned to organise a mega contest in the history of India so far as the prize-money is concerned. Hold your breath - the price money is a whopping Rs 1,10,000 crores, which means 1,000 times more money per head than the current population of India.

The process of selection of the contestants to this contest is very different from the usual reality shows and contests like Kaun Benega Crorepati, Kya Aap Panchvi Pass Se Tez Hai, etc. The contestant will be selected by special invitation and he would be the star attraction of the contest. The specially invited star performer (contestant) of the NGO is wit guru and ‘management expertise personified’, MA, LLB (Bihar fame), Union Railway Minister Lalu Prasad Yadav.

Unlike other contests, this superb mammoth contest will be lasting only 60 minutes, 30 seconds to listen the question and 30 seconds to think the answer and 120 seconds to answer each question. The contest comprises of 20 very simple questions from two sections - 10 related to test the management expertise from the first section and remaining 10 related to test the evaluation skill on the working of Indian Railways during the last four years in the second section. Ten clues from each section shall be provided after the contestant accepts the invitation and conditions of the contest.

Some might be saying that I am kidding. They have a sound reason to say so because they never ever heard about such a contest with a special invitee and a whopping price money. Just for their knowledge, with the permission of the NGO, I am giving the details of some clues and conditions of the contest.

As the contest is the mother of all contests and the prize-money is whopping Rs 1,10,000 crores, the NGO put some conditions for participation. The first is that the contestant must acknowledge the invitation within 41 days on receipt of it and arrange to send a meagre sum of Re 1 on the first day, rupees two on the second day, rupees four on the third day, rupees eight on the fourth day and like that doubling the money on the following day till the 50th day.

The other condition is that he must come to the venue of the contest at Mumbai with usual protocol and bodyguards, but without any personal assistant or aides. Also, he should arrive at the venue in a simple and humble manner and without chartering any private or government or air force planes. Also not to travel in Mukesh Ambani’s private aircraft like he travelled on a Saturday evening after passing the Panchvi Pass and seeing the Indian Premier League (IPL) semi-final cricket match at Wankhade stadium. Further, no summoning of the general manager of central and western railways or any senior railway officials to the venue of the contest. A very important code of conduct of the contest is that when the host says that he is the fan of the contestant, the contestant should never say that he is the air conditioner of the host as said by him in the show.

I shall try to give as much information as possible on clues of the questions. Firstly, clues from the management expertise section. Definitely, there will be a question related to how much loss the Indian Railways has made in last four years. No reciting ready-made couplets and quartets in Hindi, as he was doing while presenting last four Railway Budgets, is allowed at the contest and if done so, 50 per cent of the prize money will be deducted for the first offence and for the second offence the contestant will be disqualified from the mega contest. Valid, justifiable and sound answer should be given by the contestant.

The second clue is about introducing green toilets in passenger compartments in railways. The contestant can expect a question related to how he is continuously fooling himself, the intelligent leaders of the United Progressive Alliance (UPA) government and opposition alike, and the Indian public at large. The question could be in a different way as to how he allotted 4,000 crores in the current Railway Budget for green toilets and how cleverly he is not going to introduce these and mismanaging the funds or bifurcating the funds to other account.

Another sure-shot question would be that even after giving guest lectures at Harvard and very recently, in Singapore, the host will say that he is the worst business manager. Be prepared to counter it and give a positive, justifiable and right answer to this question.

From the second section, the questions would be on how the evaluation skill on the working of Indian railways can be used. I hope that the first question shall be how he evaluated to mismanage the railway properties, particularly the railway land, so intelligently in his favour and disclose the exact personal benefits.

The next possible question shall be from reviewing the management of mismanaging contracts and sub-contracts in the Indian Railways and the ultimate beneficiaries. Now I want to give the final clue: Why Rabri Devi, the better half of Lalu Prasad Yadav, is telling that my husband is the best Railway Minster India had seen ever and a sound endorsement and justification of this statement from the contestant.

The special invitation along with conditions of the contest is being sent to the minister and the sources close to him reveal, on condition of anonymity, that he is reluctant to accept the conditions, rather the invitation. Let us wait for the official clarification from him.  

·         This article was published soon after Lalu Prasad Yadav, the Railway Minister, participated in the pre-planned
        Panchvi Pass programme hosted by actor Shah Rukh Khan during the last week of May 2008